PROSE WITH ART AND AUDIO: strider swag (Dave♠Gamzee)

[backdrifter]

Summary: Whatever the fuck "kismesis" means, all you're sure of is that you've won the creepy little heart of a certain shitty clown. No matter what that dumbass Karkat says about things like "disembowelment" and "certain peril".

Characters: Dave Strider, Gamzee Makara, Karkat Vantas
Ships: Dave♠Gamzee


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You’ve done it. You’ve solved the mystery of Gamzee Makara. You’ve unraveled every confusing knot, snapped every stupid little cardboard shape into the 1000-piece puzzle.

Because really, he’s just misunderstood. You know what it’s like to fail to live up to expectations that have hung over your head your entire life. And you think it’s unfair that when he finally did live up to those expectations, that’s when everything went south. Sure, that involved murder, but these grey assholes are all from Murderplanet Express, right?

Karkat told you once that Gamzee had been romantically interested in you, although everything else he said you tuned out. A day later he’d tracked you down to tell you to forget everything he’d said, looking weird and nervous, but it was too late. The seed was planted, and you were starting to think there might be something to this trollmance bullshit. You couldn’t quite remember exactly how Gamzee looked, but you were pretty sure he’d been one of the more attractive trolls, which certainly didn’t hurt your interest.



You understood this motherfucker. Deeply.

And now here was Karkat to ruin your day.

(TRANSCRIPT:

DAVE: oh fuck it’s the party police bwoop bwoop better run now everybody before you forget what fun even feels like

KARKAT: DON’T EVEN START. I KNOW THAT LOOK ON YOUR ASININE HUMAN FACE-BONE, YOU HIDEOUSLY UNINTELLIGENT NOOKSNIFFER.

DAVE: throwing around some deep accusations arent we now

KARKAT: YOU’RE THINKING ABOUT MY STUPID CLOWNFUCK OF A MOIRAIL. YOU GET ALL DEWY-EYED AND LOBOTOMIZED-LOOKING WHEN THAT HAPPENS.

DAVE: is this a jealousy thing because i thought you assholes had your like i dunno quintets to deal with which would mean technically im not infringing on your friends-with-benefits relationship with him

KARKAT: YOU NEED TO STOP THIS. RIGHT NOW. I KNOW YOU DON’T LIKE LISTENING TO ME BUT MAYBE FOR ONCE IN YOUR TRAGEDY OF A LIFETIME YOU SHOULD TRY IT.

DAVE: im talkin bout baaallllllls deep

KARKAT: WHAT.

DAVE: baaaallllllls deep

KARKAT: STOP THAT NOW.

DAVE: in lo~oooove

KARKAT: I DON’T KNOW WHAT YOU’RE DOING BUT I HATE IT AND I HATE YOU. PLATONICALLY. WHICH IS THE OPPOSITE OF HOW GAMZEE FEELS ABOUT YOU, YOU ASININE PRICK.

DAVE: this is pathetic how jealous you are i mean you keep calling him all sorts of shitty names when im out to understand him and love up on him a little in the process

KARKAT: I CALL HIM NAMES BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT HE DESERVES. BUT THAT DOESN’T MAKE US NOT MOIRAILS. WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH WHAT I AM TRYING TO TELL YOU. WHICH IS THAT IF YOU GO NEAR GAMZEE HE’S GOING TO EVISCERATE YOUR STUPID HUMAN CARCASS BECAUSE YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW HE FEELS ABOUT YOU.

DAVE: youre the one who told me he wanted to bump interspecies uglies ok thats on you

KARKAT: WHY IS IT IMPOSSIBLE TO MAKE YOUR STUPID FACE EXPLODE SIMPLY BY WILLING IT?

DAVE: why are your insults getting lamer and lamer is what im asking and i think we know whose question is a better one

KARKAT: I’M TRYING TO HELP YOU OUT. ALL THESE FANTASIES YOU HAVE BUILT UP ABOUT GAMZEE ARE GOING TO GET YOU KILLED.

DAVE: well aw gee karkles i didnt know you cared like that are you sure youre not jealous of gamzee instead of me like maybe you wanna be matesprites or whatever

KARKAT: [HORRENDOUS ANIMALISTIC SCREECH]

DAVE: is that trollspeak for take me now fuck me harder with your amazing human yogurt slinger

KARKAT: I’M LEAVING. IF YOU GET KILLED IT’S NOT MY PROBLEM ANYMORE. I TRIED.

DAVE: love you too babe

KARKAT: [DISTANT SCREECHING] )


As if you don’t know what you’re doing. Karkat Vantas is the biggest fuckup in the multiverse, and you? You’re Dave Strider. You don’t need any of this nonsense.

You head into the bowels of the meteor with a totally necessary flourish of your cape, not sure what exactly you think you’re going to find or where. If Gamzee really does have a thing for you, you’re pretty sure he’ll make himself known.

You know, like the way you suddenly find yourself face to face with the floor, your ankles whipped out from under you. You turn over to find him, just like you wanted, standing over you with a single juggling club.

(TRANSCRIPT:

GAMZEE: [LAUGHING QUIETLY, MENACINGLY] hello, dave.

DAVE: oh great its you ive been looking for you bozo

GAMZEE: LOOKING FOR ME, MOTHERFUCKER?

GAMZEE: sounds like you aint got a lick of sense.

GAMZEE: NOT A SINGLE LICK IN ALL WHAT YOU GOT TUCKED UP IN THAT MOTHERFUCKIN THINKBONE OF YOURS.

DAVE: oh jesus are we really doing the whole scary bipolar clown bit i mean come on now that shits tired

GAMZEE: i can’t be all up and controlling my voice volumes, brother.

GAMZEE: CAN’T BE DOING THAT AT ALL.

DAVE: no im pretty sure you can i know i saw you doing that shit when we first got to the meteor and you were like i dont fuckin know telling karkat to calm his shit

GAMZEE: my palebro ain’t been to see me in some time. [VOICE BEGINS TO RETURN TO A NORMAL VOLUME] a brother gets lonely down here, all up and on his lonesome while his sister tries to get her murder on, with himself as the motherfuckin target.

DAVE: okay so see thats why im here right i mean youre lonely is the issue right and a squawky ugly little bird called karkats been telling me you got some feelings going on for me right

GAMZEE: SURE I GOT FEELINGS, MOTHERFUCKER. FEELINGS DEEPER THAN DARK. PITCH AS—

DAVE: ok stop im not impressed is the point here

GAMZEE: the fuck do you mean?

DAVE: stop with the insane clown schtick is what im saying i mean if this is your weird troll way of wooing me im saying its done you dont have to do that for lil ol me

GAMZEE: [PAUSE]

DAVE: if you got troll feelings for me well then baby i got human feelings for you see what im saying

DAVE: ps what im saying is that i understand you ok like karkat told me some shit and i get you

DAVE: you feel me

GAMZEE: IF YOU’RE TALKIN ABOUT THE WAY I HATE YOU, MOTHERFUCKER, THEN YEAH I FEEL YOU, I FEEL YOU FROM THE GODDAMN INSIDE OUT WHEN I RIP YOU OPEN LIKE A GODDAMN PIÑATA.

DAVE: i said stop holy shit

DAVE: aww baby you dont have to get all tsundere on me i aint judgin you for what we both feel here come on now

GAMZEE: [RETURN TO NORMAL VOICE] tsun-what?

DAVE: ♪ i want to make violent love ♪

DAVE: ♪ to you by the moon abo-ove ♪

GAMZEE: [CONFUSED NOISES THAT DO NOT INVOLVE A SINGLE HONK, FOR THE LOVE OF CHRIST]

DAVE: ♪ i want to make violent love to you~ ♪

GAMZEE: [IN A CONFUSED VOICE] so you ARE all waxing black for a motherfucker?

DAVE: i dont know what the fuck that means but im assuming its trollspeak for sweet tender loving in a pile of bullshit before my sisters pet vampire finds us and kills you

DAVE: leaving me to mourn my young lovers corpse passed before his time

DAVE: or in his prime ill let you pick how about that

GAMZEE: you are gettin awful fuckin tender with the face touching, brother.

DAVE: well yeah thats the point

GAMZEE: i’m bein with a fucked-up think pan and all, it’s only just coming all around to me that maybe what you think is all up and happening and what i got as a perception of events are two things of a completely different nature, bro. [NERVOUS, QUIET LAUGHTER WITH A NERVOUS VERY QUIET HONK AT THE END]

DAVE: did you just honk at me i thought you just typed those holy fuck

GAMZEE: i’m just a confused motherfucker who can’t quite help himself. :o(

DAVE: haha holy shit i dont know if thats just stupid or fuckin adorable i mean wow who the fuck invented you gamzee makara

GAMZEE: i’m all and thinkin it was the mother grub?

DAVE: that sounds gross i dont know what that is and i dont care so dont get all karkat on me and try to explain okay

GAMZEE: [SADDEST SOFT HONK]

DAVE: i dont even know how to react to that you are so fucking weird

DAVE: the weirdest troll it is you

DAVE: anyway so look how do you feel about some good ol fashioned strife to the near-death

DAVE: or death in my case since you know the universe is not gonna think much of a goofy murderclown removing me from the plane of the living and ill just vegas myself back to life

GAMZEE: [TO HIMSELF] i have all up and lost control of my motherfuckin life.

DAVE: [LAUGHING AT THIS ASSHOLE] )


Later on, when you’re stretched gingerly across a library couch after a spectacularly rough session of heavy petting, Karkat congratulates you. When you ask what for, you get a second shock when he actually answers: For outright confusing Gamzee into not killing you.

You laugh at him and tell him to get lost. This dumbass doesn’t know what he’s talking about.